notes to myself on my wedding anniversary
Once again, writing to myself and also to you. Perhaps these notes will be of use to you. I need them every day.
Things I want to remember, more often, when it comes to my relationship with my beloved love.
Your partner does not owe you anything. ANYTHING. They don’t have to be here today because they said they’d be here tomorrow. They don’t have to keep being here or do anything because they are married to you. Or living with you. Or coparenting with you. You may or may not think this is true at any given moment and that’s not really the point. The point is that when you think they are supposed to, and then do not, do something, or be some way, you are disappointed, which sucks for both of you. But when you consider the reality that they owe you nothing, it means every. single. thing. they. do. is a gift. Treat it accordingly and you will feel incredible about the state of your love.
Speak your truth while also looking for bigger truths, truths that hold more of the picture. Truths that hold more than just your feelings in the moment, especially feelings that get into the self-pity realm. Practice being with multiple truths at the same time, practice not even resolving them, but letting them have a big beautiful field to live in. Tell the truths: there is plenty of room for all of you here. So much room. We’re rich in room over here.
Listen to your partner as if there is no future. As in, listen to them as if there will not be any time for you to speak, ever. As if listening to them is your last task. This sounds dramatic but it will change your life. Don’t listen and be waiting to interpret or help. Don’t listen and be waiting for your turn. Don’t listen and be waiting for anything. This is the most essential act of your partnership. This will get you closer to any/everything you want, more than any other task, but only if you commit wholeheartedly to the truth of no future while you are listening. You can’t fake it. Faking it never works. Listen as if you have all. the. time. in. the. world. Earnestly practice feeling that in your body.
This relationship is a central activity of your spiritual practice. You’re here on planet earth to allow your heart to expand beyond what you thought possible, and this relationship is as big of a gift as the plants are, because of the ways it asks you to expand. Your partner is your teacher, but most effectively in the ways neither of you realize yet. In learning to love one person in all of their complexity and beauty, and in the mess of domestic life together, you learn to love the world. And you learn to see there was no difference between the two in the first place. This is about knowing one person, knowing one set of struggles and joys, so intimately, that you can know them all. (And by “know” I mean love.) Therefore staying up late to fight, or cleaning up together, or reading out loud to each other—all of the activities of a relationship—are never an interruption to your spiritual path, but always, the central walkway on this sacred path.
This person you are living with is unknowable—which is also good, essential, daily news. They are as vast and mysterious as this galaxy, a redwood, all of the waters of this earth. Remember that more because it feels so good to remember. It’s a way of treating everyone else, including yourself, like that too.
Many blessings in your relationships with yourself and all beings in your life.
Love,
Sarah
